Hi London Saffas! Guys. It’s time to come home.
Seriously. Think about the benefits:
It’s been 40 degrees in Joburg for a month and we’re experiencing an incredible drought, so you’re guaranteed NO RAIN.
Our beaches are all made of sand, not rocks, so you can wear flip flops, and avoid that pesky wellie tan. And if you come to Cape Town, Durban or Pretoria, you don’t have to wear shoes at all!
We don’t consider Cod “seafood”. Cod is the food you feed seafood before you eat it.
When you go to the cricket, you can shout loudly against the UK, instead of having to quietly tweet your affiliations. Also, when you call Kevin Pietersen a plonker, everyone will agree with you.
We have the Gautrain, which is like the tube, but cleaner and there are only 5 stops but they’re in a straight line so you can’t get lost.
If you look down the back of your sofa and you have any loose coins there and you brings those coins back to South Africa… you’ll be boerewors billionaires. You’ll be able to braai breakfast lunch and supper, on real wood. Scratch boerewors, you can afford to braai lobsters, scratch that, you can afford to get someone else to braai lobsters for you for breakfast, lunch and supper while you drink Dom Perignon morning till night. In the sunshine, without any rain. Forever.
In fact, to stay in England at the point would just be insane. Makes absolutely no sense. Unless you’re afraid of crime in which case ja, you definitely shouldn’t come here.
If you’re a criminal yourself, then that’s a different story. Although once you’re back you might find yourself asking “what’s the point in stealing that BMW? It’s not even worth 20,000 quid”.
Finally, it won’t cost you GPB1000 to see your Mom at Christmas. Especially if you’re Jewish.
Nik is the keynote speaker at Homecoming Revolution’s Speed Meet Africa event in London, taking place on 4 & 5 March 2016. Attendees will also find out about opportunities back home including careers, property, relocation services and schools as well as receive practical advice on returning.